dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
