I'm lost and stupid without you.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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