The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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