So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
