I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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