I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We had to coat check the pizza.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
