OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
