whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
