his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
