last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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