Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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