Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
