The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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