Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
