My first STD was from a foam party
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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