I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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