do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
