my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
