just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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