I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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