dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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