peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
