I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
