Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize