her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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