new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
