Your favorite bartender is back from prision
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
