I wish I could teleport
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
