guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
