I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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