If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
