i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
