It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
