I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
