to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
