That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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