Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
