I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize