If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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