I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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