apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Randomize
