I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
