In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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