i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
