You're my little dorito
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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