Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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