Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
