smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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