Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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