She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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