whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
