I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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