i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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