I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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