i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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