We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
