I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
