now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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