Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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