im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Randomize
