all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
