For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
