I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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