I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
