When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
