dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
