it was like his penis was on wheels.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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