I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
