alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
