I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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